Officially third trimester

Yesterday was the day, the day where I have graduated from a second trimester preggo to the elite and coveted third trimester! What an honor! Even better, it was on Christmas so I had a double dose of awesome. It was like getting presents for getting to the third trimester.

Overall, Christmas was good. Got some great gifts (diapers, sheets, diaper bag, reed diffusers, scrapbook stuff) and some dinero and gift cards. The money will definitely come in handy for getting any additional baby gear that we will need. It is currently put aside for after the shower so that we don't get two of anything but can get anything we may need.

As of now I am still feeling pretty good. I have gained about 23 pounds which isn't too bad and I am still pretty mobile and as a plus, I can still see my feet and my ankles are still smaller than my calves!!!

I think Chase has gone through a bit of a growth spurt too. I was ridiculously hungry for a few days and now Chase has gotten super strong with his kicks. I just can't wait to meet my little man!

I just wanted to finish off with some pictures, here is one with four generations on my mom's side. My mommom, mom, me, Sam, and little Chase.

Here is a picture of Matt and I with a painting my mommom gave me. It used to hang over her parent's bed and we are naming Chase's middle name after my greatgrandpa Alpha, my mommom's father.

Zig a Zig ah

If you wanna be my lover. Okay, enough with the Spice Girls, but I needed a fun title to start off with.

I am officially in the double digit countdown! I have 99 days to go until Chase's due date! Woohoo! Very exciting. These next few months are going to be very busy with school and work, doctor's appointments, birth classes, and the like, but good as well. I meet with the pediatrician tomorrow so that should be fun. I think, overall, everything is well. I have a nice little break from school, I am healthy, and I am happy! What more could a girl want? (besides winning the lottery!)

Schools out for summer...

Okay, maybe not so much for summer, but it is out for Christmas break. I just felt that a title that mimics that song "Schools out for Summer" would be much cooler than a title that mimics the song but says "Schools out for Winter Break" It just doesn't flow the right way. But anyways, in response to school being out for break, I must say, WOOHOOBIE! (and yes I did say woohoobie, where this words exact origin is from is unbeknownst to me, but it does give me the opportunity to say both woohoobie and unbeknownst, so that makes for an interesting blog in itself.)

Now back to more important topics, my pregnancy! Well in reality I don't have much to update on concerning my pregnancy. I am 25 weeks and 1 day today, so that is a good thing! In 5 weeks and 5 days I will be the farthest along pregnancy-wise that I have ever been. It is scary to think that something like an arrythmia could happen again, but luckily the echo was good, the doctors are on top of my care 150%, and I know that if I get any inkling or feeling of something being wrong that the doctors will take care of it in a heartbeat. And that is the goal, that heartbeat, and it remaining regular and healthy in our little guy. I also wanted to update that we have scheduled our c-section date. Now before you go on to say, "Hey wait a minute, I thought she was going to VBAC...?" I advise you to hold your tongue! I am going to VBAC or at least do what I can to try. What we all have to understand is that with a VBAC there are certain limitations and rules that need to be adhered to to prevent anything bad from happening. Some of these are not using drugs to progress labor and the like. The reason we have to schedule a c-section is that sometimes things don't always go as planned. I may, for example, not go into labor, or the baby may be breach, etc etc and they like to have a scheduled section so that if medically necessary a cesarean can be performed without rushing around like a bunch of fuddy-duddys trying to organize a surgery. So as I said, hold your tongue, because I am the Little Engine that could and will be the Little Engine that Did...have a VBAC!

Now back to Christmas break. As fun as pregnancy is and as interesting as my babblage is, there is nothing like the start of a break from school!! I am excited for Christmas, I am ecstatic that I will get to see family, not to mention the fact that when I do go back to school I will only have about 9ish weeks of pregnohood until I get to meet my little man! I think over break I will start to look into books that are specifically about birth to start to mentally prepare myself for my unmedicated birth. Yes, I did say unmedicated! Now don't get me wrong, if I have to have a c-section than bring on the drugs, but seeing as I am trying to have a vaginal delivery, I am shooting for a drug free birth. Hey, you remember that phrase, "drug free's the way to be" Well the same applies here. Epidurals can make it medically necessary for other interventions such as catheters, IVs, complete bedrest, and I am really feeling that is not the way to go. Not to mention the fact that they can lower mom's blood pressure, cause late decelerations in the baby, make it more difficult to push, and increase the need of a c-section. I already did the c-section thing and if I can do ANYTHING in my power to reduce the chances of a recurrence, than I will!

Well I have so much more to say, maybe not so interesting, and I find it amusing that I start out talking about Christmas break and get right back into pregnancy...I guess pregnancy is more interesting after all. So with this I bid you all farewell, I am off to shower and to go to work and to enjoy the sheer bliss of Christmas Break (or at least the start of Christmas break!)

Fetal Echo.

Well today was a very good day! We had our fetal echocardiogram and according to the fetal perinatologist, "Everything looks good!" He checked the chambers of the heart and the blood flow, as well as some of the larger veins and arteries. He did say that there is always the small chance that he missed something, but from what he saw it all looks good. According to Dr. Carlson and Dr. Gerson, they say Dr. Bhat can find about 90% of abnormalities in the unborn baby with an ultrasound. Pretty damn good if you ask me! The nurse kept saying throughout the echo that he was a "beautiful baby" and that "all baby's should look this good" I don't know if she meant it or was just trying to be nice, but I prefer to take the first of the two options and have the reassurance that we are going to have a damn good looking kid!!!

I also took my NSG 109 final today and got a 96, woohoo!! I also got a 95 on my book report. Tomorrow I will study for my 311 final. I also got done some of the assessment tools for the work-from-home job opportunity, here's to hoping it is enough to allow me to quit Riddle for my last year of school and to be able to work from home for extra money and to stay home with my family!!!!!

Busy day tomorrow.

I have lots and lots to do tomorrow. Nothing to fancy or anything, but still a busy day to say the least. The day starts at nine, where I will meet with my clinical teacher and get my grade. Next, I take a final for my one class. At ten I have a class for an hour. Next it is off to Lankenau (again) to get the fetal echo, keep your fingers crossed that is goes smooth as molasses. I will update tomorrow with the findings of the echo. Lastly, to top it off, I work from 2:30 until 11! So very busy indeed, but at least I will get to sleep in on Tuesday, seeing as school is nearly over. Then on Wednesday, I have my nursing final and a funeral to attend. Two funerals in two weeks do not make for a good time. I just need to make sure to study hard tomorrow and Tuesday and lets pray that I kick some nursing final butt. I did well on all of the unit tests so I just hope that I remember a good amount of the information and that a refresher/review is all I need to get my brain a'churning!

On a final note, I wanted to update some of my pictures. I got my Christmas cards made today and the majority of them are in the box waiting to be mailed. Here is the picture I used for the card.

And here are some 24 week and 4 day belly pics!

My 24 week appointment.

I had my 24 week OB appointment today and it went well. Too sum it up:
~ I have gained 20 pounds
~ My blood pressure was 110/60
~ My uterus is measuring perfectly for 24 weeks.
~ Chase's heartrate was 150-160 and he was moving around quite a bit while the nurse was checking the heartbeat.
~ I have my echocardiogram on Monday.
~ My next appointment is on December 28th.
~ I will do my glucose screen at next appointment as well.
~ We are good to go in terms of trying for the VBAC and will furthur discuss the details around 35-36 weeks pregnant.

All in all it was a nice and reassuring appointment. I think I am most excited though about the VBAC. Dr. Gerson seems super supportive and I feel it is really important to me to have my health care provider be supportive of my labor decisions because I am the patient and I have a right in determining the type of birth I want to have. Now granted, I will do anything necessary to ensure the baby's safety, but I can do that while making the birth choices as well. My goal is to be powerful in birth and to let my body do the things it was designed to do. My mom had two natural, drug-free births and I feel confident in myself and my mindset that I will be able to do the same.

Woot!

~Got a new electric toothbrush and I L-O-V-E It!!! My teeth feel so clean and smooth and fabulous!! I just wanted to share in the awesomeness of an electric toothbrush!
~Also wanted to add that there are only 5 days of school left including finals.
~I have my doctors appointment on Friday, hopefully we will get to see the baby again.
~My three year anniversary is on Thursday and on Saturday we are going to a nice dinner and movie.
~Christmas is 20 days away.
~Work is done for the night.

As you can see, I have a lot to Woot about today! (totally a good thing after the hectic/long/exhausting day I had, but nothing a nice shower, a snuggle with my doggy, and laying in bed can't fix!)

24 Weeks!!!!

I am 24 weeks pregnant, now it is only by two minutes, but it counts! I can't believe I only have 16 weeks left and only 14 weeks of work left! Woohoo! Sounds like a good time to me. I still don't know how we will do it with work and school and parenting, but I know that God WILL take care of us and God WILL ensure our safety, happiness, and well-being. Now you may ask how I know this and the answer is simple, God KNEW we could handle the loss of our dear baby Amaris and he KNOWS that we will handle parenthood and everything else for that year until I have my nursing degree. I know it in my bones and in my heart and in my soul because I KNOW that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle.

I have my last full week of school today and I have to admit that I am completely and utterly relieved. It is nice to know that I will have a few weeks off to enjoy my family and friends and though I have to work I will have the benefit of sleeping in, and thats worth it in itself!

Overall, I guess I don't have anything crazy to report on. We did have Uncle Johnny's funeral today. I wasn't able to go to the memorial because of school, but was able to go to the "reception" afterwards. Now I am not too sure if reception is the right term, but it was basically a chance for the family to get together and reminisce and eat lunch so whatever that is called I am not sure, so reception it is. It was nice to see the family from Florida, though not exactly an ideal circumstance. Everyone kept telling me that we have to come down and visit after Chase gets here and I think I will take them up on the offer. It will be fun to bring him to Florida and to let him see the ocean and feel the sand between his toes, not to mention all the loving he would be getting from the family!

I guess I will leave on a good note and say that I am so excited for Christmas and so excited to just have some family time for a few weeks! Also, I must include the newest edition to the belly gallery!

Almost the Weekend!

I am just glad to say that it is almost the weekend. I haven't been feeling well all week and I am just looking forward to being able to relax. I am also looking forward to seeing some family this weekend. They came up from Florida for Mom's cousin's funeral and though a sad reason to get together, it will be nice to visit. Mom is setting up our get-together so I should know details tomorrow. As for the weekend, I think that is all that is going on. Just hanging with some family and resting, sounds like a party to me.

Trucking along...

Let me start by saying that I am so glad that school is almost over. Only 2 weeks to go! So many countdowns I have going in my head right now. The count down until school is over, countdown until Christmas, countdown until the start of maternity leave, and the countdown until Chase arrives!!! So much to look forward to!

I scheduled to meet with a pediatrician today, the appointment is on December 18th. He is my little sister Molly's pediatrician and my family seems to like him. I guess I will have to wait and see if he lives up to our standards! I guess I will have to start compiling my list of questions for the doctor.

As of right now, there isn't too much going on. Just some end of semester bullshit and then the beautiful amazingness of Christmas break!! I have so much to do already over the break between birth classes, doctors appointments, and work! Besides that, I also want to start working on my book again. I think I am going to purchase dictation software because I feel I will better get my words out and stay more motivated to complete the first draft if I don't have to type it all!

I guess that is all that is really happening now, Matt and I have our 3 year anniversary on the 6th of December, next Thursday! I think we will go out to eat the following weekend and just have some together time, maybe rent a movie or something good.

I guess I will just finish with saying that Matt and I have been really good lately and when I say this I really do mean it. We have just been happy and laughing a lot and just having a good time together. I really think that Amaris sent Chase to us to fill that little space that only a baby could and that he will only bring us closer after he makes his debut.

...

I am going to win the lottery in the near future. That is all.

Thanksgiving!

It is that time a year again! Yes, you know the one! The fun time when we get back to back to back holiday!!! First we get hit with the tastiness of Thanksgiving, than shortly after comes Christmas, and finish it off with some New Years fun!! Oh, I love this time of year, it's all about family and friends, giving to others, and eating! Yes, I did say eating! Oh I love this time, not so much for the presents and the days off from work, but for the delicious foods! I love all the turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy, it is all so fabulous and it tastes even better at these times of the year. So with this blog I say cheers to the holidays and cheers to family and cheers to eating until you can't eat anymore!

It's my Birthday!!

22 years ago today, November 19th, at 6:10 am little Chelsea made her entrance into the world, weighing 8 lbs 9oz and measuring 21 1/2 inches long! Today is a mini tribute to me! (And that is totally allowed because it is in fact my birthday!)

Me and my daddy!

You'd be crying too if she stole your binky!

I'm a nudist on the inside.

My evil, trouble-making side!

Aunt Gemima ain't got nuttin on me!

I'm a big sister now!

**To be continued tomorrow!**

Long time, no blog!

Again it has come down to the fact that I am totally slacking on my blog, and as a result I am not getting the precious documentation of this pregnancy! My new goal is to at least blog twice a week, that way I won't be missing a thing!

So here is a quick update on everything! I guess I will start with all the dates. I have my next Dr's appointment on the 7th of December, I will be 24 weeks pregnant! I have an echocardiogram on the 1oth of December to make sure baby has a nice, strong, and anatomically correct heart! Keep your fingers crossed that it is a-okay! On January 5th I have my birth class, it is a prepared childbirth class that will last most of the day and I am really looking forward to doing this with Matt. On January 8th I have follow-up appointment at the Gyn-Oncologist to make sure that the spot on my cervix hasn't changed. Finally, on January 17th I have my second childbirth class, Advanced Comfort Measures, to learn about the use of massage, heat, pressure, and other methods of comfort during labor. I am motivated to have a drug-free birth so I want to learn about every and any other methods of pain relief to make this goal a reality. I believe my shower will also be in January, but the date is yet to be determined, but I am certainly excited about that!

As for baby, he is doing very well. And yes I did say he! For those that don't know yet, our little baby is going to be a boy!!! We had our "big" ultrasound on November 2nd and our little guy is looking great!! His heartrate was 161 and he looked to weigh about 11 oz! That is a very big boy for being 19 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Both the tech and the doctor said he was looking great!

Meet Chase Alpha Kalesh!

A lot of other great things have been going on too. Chase has gotten super active over the last week and has been kicking up a storm. He is active a good 4-5 times a day and last week, on Saturday, Matt felt Chase move for the first time! It was a wonderful thing! I really think Matt is ecstatic for our little guy. He is looking forward to teaching him about baseball, taking him to the lake, and all of the other stuff that dads like to do with their sons!

I did have a little scare though on Thursday. I was having too many braxton hicks contractions and they were uncomfortable. On top of that I was having some nausea and low back pain. I put in a call to my doctor and he told me to go home and put my feet up. He also told me to drink plenty of water. If they didn't slow down then I would have to go to labor and delivery. Luckily they stopped and everything was okay, I figure it was related to exhaustion, over-activity and dehydration. As long as Chase is okay, than I am okay!

I have also been thinking a lot about our impending labor and delivery and have decided that I will be going with the VBAC as long as the conditions are okay (i.e. baby is in the right position, there is no medical need for a cesarean, etc.) I have also decided to go without an epidural. I have been reading a lot about epidurals and feel it isn't for me. My mom delivered me and my sister drug free and I can do the same. Epidurals can have some adverse affects on the baby and I don't want to take that risk. They can lower my blood pressure, decreasing the baby's heartrate; they can make it more difficult to push effectively; and the epidural meds can get into the baby's system as well, just to name a few. I don't want to take those risks and I KNOW that I am strong enough mentally and physically to do it the way women have been doing it since as long as baby's have been born. I want to focus on meditation, breathing, and the use of heat/cold, massage, and pressure to assist in my labor relief. I guess we will see how it goes!

School has been good as well. Clinicals have been pretty interesting and so far this semester I have been able to give a flu shot and a catheter, pretty neat if you ask me!! I am just glad that I am doing well in both the lecture and the clinical portion, I like to do awesome and I like to do better than the others in my class. Sounds silly, but I want to prove myself as a hardworker. There aren't many other kids (if any) in my class that can say that they work full time, go to school full time, are pregnant, and kick ass in class!! If it sounds like I have a big head about this than I apologize, but I hate hearing the other kids in my class complain about how they have it so hard when all they do is go to class during the day and get drunk at night!

Also, my birthday is on Monday so that is fun. I had dinner at my dad's this evening. It was very good, he made baked chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans!!! Tasty if you ask me! Tomorrow Matt and I will go to my mom's for a birthday dinner as well. I have to work on Monday, but I will have off Thursday for Thanksgiving through Sunday. Friday we are going to Washington DC to meet Kathleen and her family!! I am so excited for that! We haven't decided what we are going to do yet, but either way it will be nice to get out of West Chester and even nicer to meet one of my homegirls!

Lastly, I am really excited because we have been getting some work done on the nursery. Tomorrow we will be moving a bunch of boxes upstairs and I hope that the room will only have the computer and desk left down there and I know Matt's mom wants to get rid of the desk and we can probably fit the computer upstairs if need be, so woohoo!!! After that I will vaccuum, we are going to paint, get new carpet, take care of the mold issue, and then I can start to decorate and get the baby furniture!! Very, very exciting!!! Our little Chase will get to have a little room of his own!

So I guess this is all the updating as of now, I will leave with some updated belly pictures because I have grown since my last update!

16 weeks 5 days!

18 weeks 4 days!

19 weeks 6 days!

He has my heart!

20 weeks 5 days! My new dress!

I'm back!

Okay, no excuses now, I need to journal and I need to do it more frequently!!!
I guess I have a lot to update on!

First of all, the Philadelphia Zoo. I had an awesome time with all the girls. They were all so amazing and it was so cool to finally be able to put a "real" person to all the posts. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying they were unreal, but it is nice to actually get to talk in person and really interact with the girls. And oh my goodness were the babies adorable, they were so cute and chill and awesome and I just wanted to hug and kiss them all! It was just sad for everyone to leave, but hopefully we will be getting together again!

As for baby, everything is going well. Baby has been super active lately, I started feeling movement around 12 weeks, but I would only feel it every few days. Than it eventually moved to every other day, than once a day, now I feel the baby move several times a day and it is awesome. I feel so connected to baby when I can feel him/her thumping around in there. I had my 16 week appointment on Friday. Everything went great! I am only up about 4 pounds, but when I weighed myself today I was only up 3, so it is in that ballpark range. My blood pressure was perfect too. My uterus was mearuing perfectyl and baby's heartbeat was right on at 160, a nice reassuring heartbeat according to Dr. Gerson. If we go by the heartbeat theory, than baby is a girl, but we will see in about three weeks because my next ultrasound is in that time! I haven't scheduled it yet, but I am going for Wednesday, November 7th. I will call on Monday and see what they have! I also asked about a fetal echo at the appointment and we will schedule one with Dr. Bhat between 22-24 weeks so lets cross our fingers that everything is okay! He also said our results from the sequential screen were "perfect" and that they don't normally see such good numbers from only the first half, they usually see numbers like that when all parts were complete and the numbers calculated, pretty awesome!

School has been good, clinicals are definitely more interesting at the Middle School, I actually get to do nursing related tasks. I get to see the students and give medications for pain, ice, examine injuries, etc. so definitely pretty cool.

All in all, I think everything is going really good! School is good, baby is good, I am feeling great, Matt's good! I am definitely feeling the good!

My 15 week and 5 day belly pic!

My Painted Belly at 14 weeks and 5 days!

The Philadelphia Zoo Part One!

Tomorrow I go to the zoo to meet four of my fabulous ladyfriends from EB. This is so very exciting because I love these girls and I tell them things that only a priviliged few are able to hear. I hope it all goes well, I am sure it will. I can't wait to hug them and talk to them, in person! I can't wait to see their little babies and make them laugh and smile. I can't wait to take millions of pictures and I can't wait to make memories with these wonderful women! I will update tomorrow after our visit. Plus, we are getting cheesesteaks from Geno's, there isn't a better way to top off a day!

On another note, Sue got to hear the baby's heartbeat today, I brought the doppler in and we messed around with it while I was on my dinner break. I have listened a few more times lately and baby's heartrate is consistently 168 and I even thought I heard an acceleration in the rate during a period of increased activity. I think the baby was increasingly active because I heard movements over the doppler. I could be wrong, but I think this is a good sign. I remember they were looking for accelerations in heartrate that corresponded to increased activity while I was in the hospital for Amaris.

I also got the test results back from my sequential screen, well at least the first part. Baby has a 1 in 8600 chance for Down's Syndrome and a 1 in 10000 chance of Trisomy 18. The nuchal scan was good too! It was 1.2 mm, which is really good, less than 2.8 at 13 weeks is good so 1.2 is really good!

I also did the drano test. According to the drano God, I am having a girl. I hope it is right because I am really praying for a little girl. I have all those cloths for one, and most of the EB girls in the area have boys so I need to even out the hormones and at least I know she would have a good group of boys to pick from ; )

Drano: Round One - Green

Drano: Round Two - Green

School is good. Clinicals are definitely interesting and I am bored in lecture as always. At least I have a working project for the term paper! Yay, one less thing to worry about. Only 11 more weeks to go until winter break!

I guess all is pretty good now. I am in the second trimester, baby is good, mommy is good (for the most part), glad it is the weekend and if Matt is late tomorrow I am going to kick his ass (and then feel even better)

This is bad...

I have only posted twice in all of September, that is pretty pretty bad. Well I guess I have lots to update on. First, I finally heard the heartbeat, finally. I was looking around and couldn't find it and felt this little twitch and went to that spot. At this spot is where I found that little pesky heartbeat, going at 168 beats per minute!

Then I went to my doctor's appointment on Friday and I got to see the bitty baby and the nuchal scan was good. Baby was jumping all over, twisting and kicking and flipping, it was fabulous. I also got my bloodwork and had my general appointment, I go back the 12th of October.

As for school, everything is good. I passed my skills review and my medication test. I also took my nursing test and will find out how I did on Monday. I also start my first clinical on Tuesday. I am in a community setting at a senior center working with Alzheimer patients, I think it will be a great learning experience.

So I am thinking that's the most of what's going down, I am going to try and make a better effort to update, but it gets hard sometimes with work and school, but I will do it! I know I can!

Edited to add: I am going to post new belly pics soon!

Got a new camera!

Well, it really isn't in my budget, but a good investment for when the baby comes! I will have to post some of my experiment pictures later.

As for me, feeling okay. I had to go and see the Gyn Oncologist on Tuesday. He was very nice and took my feelings into consideration while doing the exam and later talking about our plan of action. They did find a spot on my cervix, but luckily the doctor doesn't feel that it is anything that needs to be biopsied right now and I will go back in a few months to get it checked again. It isn't good that there is something there, but it is a positive note that the doctor doesn't feel it needs to be taken care of immediately. Not great, but not terrible either.

We also have a BBQ to go to on Saturday, I think I might make pasta salad! I love cooking for others and it is a good way to show off my cooking chops! Matt's first football game is on Sunday too, so I will bring the camera and get some action shots! Fun! So looks like our weekends are nice and full for the next couple weeks. I like having "something" to do, it's a nice change from the monotony of work and school.

I also have to get a doctors note. I am nervous that my boss will try and pull something and then manipulate me back onto third shift due to lack of people and I am not going to take it. I am going to ask my doctor to write me a note that I should not be working that shift during pregnancy and luckily he is the kind of doctor that would do that. I think I have legitimate reasons: I am high risk, working rotating shifts can affect the body's natural rhythm and in effect the baby's rhythm, working odd shifts can also affect one's immunity and I need to remain healthy for the baby. I think it is a good enough argument, and frankly I wasn't hired for third shift and I shouldn't be pressured to work it due to my boss' inability to properly staff our department. And that's enough about that.

Lastly, I just want to say that I really, really pray that Jenn and her babies are going to be alright and her dumbass doctors will get their shit together and for once listen to the patient and understand her rights. She deserves these babies, all three of them, and deserves them healthy and I pray that they stay okay in time for her real doctor to come and do everything he can in the interest of his patient and not in the interest of preventing a lawsuit.

Well I guess that is all.

Gotta get back in the swing of things!

Seeing as I didn't post for a week I am definitely falling behind in the blogging department.

I had my first week of school, it was definitely a shock to go back, but totally felt good to do something with my days besides sleep and work. I got all my books too! Total = $660. Number of classes = 2. Ouch. I also paid off my credit cards so I am feeling good! I do have to work tomorrow, on my weekend off, but it is over time and I still have off from work and school on Monday so it isn't too bad! Maybe I can get some homework done tomorrow while I am at work.

I also get to go back on September 14th for my next ultrasound and doctor's appointment so send positive vibes that the nuchal scan will be a-okay! Also wanted to mention that my fetal doppler should be here on Tuesday so I will be able to hear the heartbeat anytime I wanted!

I am also excited because I will be seeing some friends shortly! I am going to lunch with a friend Stephanie on Monday and the crazy thing is that I haven't seen her since highschool! It is gonna be great to catch up! Then on the 22nd we are having our East Coast EB get together at the Philly Zoo and then doing dinner. I can't wait to meet the people behind the posts, I need to remember to bring my camera, it will definitely be worth documenting, maybe even make a great scrapbook. Another event is the 29th, the Southern girls are having a Little Rock get together and I really want to go! It would be $82 for the hotel and about $200 for the plane. I would probably have to put it on my credit card and that is really the only factor holding me back, I did just pay them off and don't want to slip back into the habit of using them. Decisions, decisions...

I didn't update here, but wanted to put this in writing. I had an abnormal pap smear and it scared the shit out of me. My results stated that I had rare cells compatible with low-grade squamous intraepithelia lesions. Now medically, it is probably nothing, but here it through hormone colored glass and I flipped. I think I honestly had an anxiety attack. I cried the whole way home from the hospital and called out because I was so emotionally upset. It scares me because it is not just me involved. If it was just me I think I could handle it, but being pregnant it makes me really uneasy. I don't know if I want to risk allowing them to "dig around down there" My cervix holds in the baby and how effective will that be if they chop off pieces of it to test. I just don't think I would let them, I don't know if it is worth it. Hopefully it is nothing, but I am seeing a Gyn Oncologist on Tuesday so lets keep our fingers crossed that it is nothing.

Well on a more positive note, I have my newest belly picture. Ten weeks and 1 day! (Ignore the mess in the background and the cheesy grin, we will eventually clean that room out for baby)

Man, so much to catch up on!

I have been gone for a week on vacation and I guess I have a lot to update on.

We left for Lake George on Friday night and got there at 7 am on Saturday. It was cool all week and we only had one really good day on Tuesday. We got to do lots of stuff throughout the week, we hiked to Wing Pond, took the boat out, let Riley swim for the first time, and played mini-golf a lot. All in all it was a really good time. I was glad to let Riley spend the whole week romping and playing in the woods and just being a real puppy!

I wish it would have lasted longer though, but on a less positive note, his grandparents did not know we were pregnant and it wasn't much fun "pretending" for the whole time.

Then of course I come home and their is all this stuff happening at EB and I am really upset. We boast that we are nothing like BS and that we are such a wonderful community with wonderful friendships and now it is all falling apart over something I have no idea about. I just hope things work ou because I can not imagine our little community with some of the girls gone. I guess that is just life...

As for the preggo-ness, I have my nuchal scan and appointment on September 14th, and I have to go in Tuesday, the 28th, to do another urine sample to rule out a UTI.

Oh, forgot to mention that school starts tomorrow...I have to get my books, but I think I will be in for a hectic next couple of months with school, work, and growing a human being.

Edited to add: I had to put in my weekly belly pictures!

Here is a shot at 8 weeks 6 days while at the mini-golf course!

Here is my belly at nine weeks in front of the beautiful Lake George!

Lastly, a picture of my "future" belly with the gap belly pillow!

There IS a baby!

I had my first appointment today. Of course I got no sleep last night. I finally fell asleep at around 2 am, up at 4 am to use the bathroom, back asleep at 5:30 and up at 7:30. Not much sleep at all. Then I get up to take a shower, I don't want coochie stank and hairy legs on my first appointment!

So of course Matt was difficult to get out of bed, but at 8:05 (twenty minutes after we planned to leave) he finally got up and brushed his teeth and we left at 8:15. About half way there I started having my hunger nausea and made Matt go through McDonald's drivethrough. I got me a tasty hashbrown and a bacon, egg, and cheese on a bisquit, top it off with some OJ and I am good to go!

Of course, we are really running late now and I call the office to let them know we were stuck in traffic. So after stressing and stressing we finally get within five minutes and to our surprise, we get pulled over! Damn expired inspection! Luckily the cop was nice and let us off with a warning, either he felt bad or saw me bawling in the passenger seat. I couldn't stop crying, I was nervous they were going to make me reschedule or find another doctor or something bad.

We finally get to the appointment and I give my history to the doc. Talk about my betas, my due date (which is March 25), and my birth options. Tentatively, we are going to go with a VBAC. They can't give me anything to make labor progress (significantly increases risk of uterine rupture) so if I don't go into labor naturally or progress on my own I would still have to have a c-section. If we just go with the planned section than he said we would deliver on March 18 (maybe we can go a day sooner and have a St. Patty's Day baby!) I am still trying to decide if I will go with the section or vaginal delivery, the issue with the vaginal though is that there is a 1% risk of rupture so I have not fully decided.

Then we went in for the ultrasound. It was awesome! We could see a little kidney bean shaped white blur with a little black circle in the middle and this beautiful, wonderful, fantastic black circle was a perfectly pumping heart! The heartrate was 167 beats per minute, a normal rate for the baby's gestational age. He even printed us some pictures! That is what I really like about Dr. Carlson, he always gives plenty of pictures and is so very nice and considerate.

Next I had my pelvic and he checked my breasts for lumps. I won't go into much detail, but to say that Matt got a few funny looks from me during this period : )

Afterwards I gave my urine sample and got my blood drawn for the normal pregnancy blood tests as well as the HIV and the cystic fibrosis screen. (I know I don't have HIV, but it is always good to be 100%)

Lastly I went to an occupational health center to do my drug screen for nursing school and to school to drop off my paperwork. And with the mention of school I have to say that I cannot believe that I will be starting clinicals in a week and half! Crazy, but exciting at the same time. I can't wait to graduate and actually do something with my life than work the same boring job day in and day out.

Now, I am extremely tired and working on 4 hours, but I had to update because I really want this pregnancy on record and want to have something the baby can read when he/she is all grown up.

Tomorrow!

I have my first appointment!! The nurse on the phone said I will get the ultrasound the same day because of my early pelvic pain so she better not change her mind! I can't wait to see that little baby, I am getting so excited thinking about it! Only 20 hours until my appointment! Woohoo!

Okay, now that I have that out of my system, I need to get it down. I threw up last night. At 1 AM I tossed my cookies, multiple times. It was horrible, but I totally felt better afterwards. Though it sucks, at least it gives me comfort that my hormones are still up and pumping. I can't wait until the second trimester, the honeymoon phase!

New Belly Pics!

So I have come today to update with new belly pics. I look more like a pork roll than a pregnant girl, but I gotta work with what I got.

7 Weeks and 4 days. ( I think you can tell I just ate :)

7 Weeks and 5 days. First thing in the morning!

Overall, I am feeling good. Still haven't got full-fledged morning sickness, so I will count that as a blessing! Most of the extreme fatigue has subsided as well. I know some people get a little nervous when symptoms diminish, but I feel cool and confident. The only annoying side effects that I have of pregnancy are the food aversions and cravings and frequent urination. Well I guess thats about it, I am off to get a little something to eat.

I also wanted to add that we went mini-golfing last night and it was fun. Then topped it off with some Rita's Water Ice and it was a perfect day!

August 9th.

Today is a sad day. One year ago today, at 2:32 pm, my little girl Amaris Grace took her last breath. It is unimaginable to watch your child's last moments on earth and it is both overwhelming and heart-breaking. You wonder, why is it that I couldn't do anything to prevent this? In most situations the parents couldn't have done anything, it is what God wanted, but than there are other times that something may have been done.

With Amaris, I think something could have been done. I could have told my doctor F*** You, and went elsewhere. I could have told her to open her eyes, something is not right here, do something! But no, I did what most patients did, I took my doctor's words for fact.

Now what I am really getting at is this. I know in my heart that I am not the reason Amaris got sick and I also know that if they did catch it sooner, she could have still passed away, but what I don't know is what if? What if we did catch it, could she have lived with a good quality of life? What if I went to the ER, would they have rushed me to a delivery? What if, is not useful, because it fills your head with doubt and worry and most of all blame, it fills your head with thoughts that are telling you that YOU should have known and YOU should have listened to your insinct when in reality YOU were just listening to what your doctor was telling you.

What I suggest for anyone who visits a doctor for anything, whether it be for a mole removal or pregnacy, a sinus infection or chest pain. Trust your instinct. We are given an instinct for a reason, and to not use it would be an insult against our biological make-ups. If you think anything is wrong, like I did, push for an answer, push for the tests, and make your doctor listen. It is not that big of an inconvenience to them to order that extra test or see you five extra minutes, they will still be paid for it, and if they save someones life, it is a bonus. Worst case, they find something wrong, but they have more time to try and make it right. Best case, your fine, and they can talk about you to your colleagues when your not around. I know in my situation, with my daughter, I would have rather them squeeze me into ultrasound that day, and if it was nothing, they could laugh at me all they want.

Seven Weeks!

I am seven weeks! Today it actually hit me: I am having a baby!!! I feel good and I am confident, I love it. I let the worry just float away and I feel good. I am not constantly panicking if this pain is all right and if that twinge is bad. When I do feel funny I take a step back and realize what is the most likely cause, not the worst case scenario. The nausea has been getting more persistent though, it is constantly around dinner, probably from around 4 - 6:30 and then I start to feel better. Two and half hours out of twenty four ain't bad!! Plus those preggie pops really do make me feel better!

I am also getting excited because we are going to Lake George on the 19th, after Matt's softball playoff game. It will be nice to bring the doggies up and to take Riley for her first lake swim. We are going to go to the black hole. It is this really neat natural wonder in this little creek. A long time ago a pebble burrowed into a rock and created this natural jacuzzi. I won't be climbing in there but there are all these flat rocks that will be nice to picnic on. We are also going to go to Log Bay. We will park the boat and take a nice little walk in the woods to this really cool waterfall. I won't be able to go waterskiing or cliff jump, but I will do some fun things!

I just am so excited in general, I don't know how else to explain. I have my appointment next week, then I have a week of vacation, and then back to school!! I am really excited for school, I am looking forward to getting my clinicals. I also have to go and get my drug test and send in all the paperwork by the 15th!

Oh, I wanted to put in another side note. I got an email from Karen, the paralegal. They got a hold of the expert in TX, but she wouldn't be able to review our records until Oct-Nov, so they are searching for another expert. I really think we have a case because I honestly don't believe that they would be going through all of this effort if we didn't. Plus it seems like they are trying to get a roll on things because frankly October is not that far away, but they want someone to check it sooner. I really think they are going to take my old doctor to court, why spend all the time, effort, and money (and it is all out of their pocket unless we win) to pursue a case if it didn't have merit and a good chance of winning. Just a thought...

Riley and the Baby!

Just had to post a pic of Riley and the baby. I love this pup!

Ten Days...

Until I see the little baby!! I am so excited! On August 15th I will have my first appointment and will get to see the baby and a little heart beat. It's crazy! Last time it wasn't until 17 weeks that I got to see the baby and not until 11 weeks that I got to hear a heartbeat. Now I will get to see the baby sooner and more often, very exciting!

Now I need to start making a list of questions for the doctor. I don't have much yet, but I figure I can come back and update as more questions come to mind.

~ What will be our care plan over the next seven and a half months and what additional procedures will be included in my prenatal care due to high risk pregnancy?

~ What is the chances of Amaris' condition occuring again and what will we do to minimize those chances?

~ Will I be able to have a natural delivery after having a cesarean?

~ If I was to have a natural delivery, would I have to be induced or would I be allowed to go into labor naturally?

~ How many people can I have during the delivery?

~ What is the hospitals policy on birth plans?

~ Where can I find more information about the hospitals L & D ward and where can I find out information about birth classes, hospital tours, etc.

I guess that is all I have so far, but I am sure I will come across more as time goes on! Oh, and if anyone has any question suggestions, well I am all ears!

Souper!

Okay, I know my title was corny, but it works! I made my chicken and lime tortilla soup today and it was amazing. I have been craving it since Wednesday and seeing as it was finally the weekend I was actually able to whip it up. I have to get some small containers though, I promised to bring some into work for some of the girls. They won't be big containers though, like a 10 oz cup or something in the vicinity. I actually can't wait until I am hungry again so that I can have some more.

And man have I been moody! All those hormones are kicking my ass. Matt said my new name is Turtle because I keep snapping. I don't like the name Turtle, turtles seem dumpy and they have to carry there home around on their backs. Talk about a pain in the ass...

I still haven't gotten full out morning sickness. I will take it as a blessing but sure hope it isn't a sign of something bad, but then I haven't had any pain or bleeding so I guess everything is right as rain in there. Oh and talking about down there, I have a new belly picture!

Here is my 6 weeks and 4 days belly picture. I am definitely getting a little bloaty from what I can tell! It is a little fuzzy, but I like it! I think I will do all my pictures here to get the good lighting.

I guess that is it! I am off to watch some Hot Fuzz!

Work Sucks!

I am so pissed at my boss tonite. He left Sue and myself high and dry tonite, having the two of us take care of all ER patients, ER paperwork, and all the admissions related work in the hospital. I really kicked my ass today. Also, all the patients were complete jerks or complete wackos, they were mostly rude and obnoxious. Even worse, I didn't even get to eat dinner. I went about 8 hours without eating and than was able to stuff a snickers down my throat in between patients. I am just glad that it is the weekend and I can sit on my ass for the next two days. I even went and got an Italian Hoagie from Wawa. I know I am not really supposed to have lunchmeat, but man was I hungry and I did not want to cook. I guess one sandwich can't hurt too much and I trust Wawa's staff that they clean there equipment and keep their food at safe temperatures.

A neat thing though, there was a girl and she was pregnant and got into a car accident. I am sure everything was fine, but the cool part was that she has the same due date as me. I think that is neat seeing as you can find people due in the same month but the exact same date is pretty cool!

A sad thing though, one of the girls we work with had her water break yesterday and I think she was only like 16-17 weeks pregnant. I don't think the outcome was good. Her daughter came to the ER and when I was getting the information from her, I offered to talk if she ever wanted to. I never got to spit it all out but told her that I know where she is coming from and that sometimes it helps to talk to someone who has experienced a similar loss. She wasn't in the mood today, but I thought I would throw it out there. My loss was horrible and I can never replace my Amaris, but if any good of it can come, than I will try my best to make it as much as possible. I just want to be able to lend an ear and be a person of comfort when handling a loss like that. Anything I can do to help.

Oh, lastly, I saw the Boondock Saints the other day. Loved it! Not only did it have an awesome story line, but man, two hot guys with Irish accents definitely make my night! Oh, I have provided something for the viewers pleasure below ; )

Honk in the name of love!

I just have to say that I love Scrubs. This was just shouted over my television and just thought it would be an awesome journal title!

So I have to say, Matt is getting a lot better. He has decided that he is going to stay sober! I love it! I think it is a great idea and just really think it will be in the best interest of our family. He is also doing some work for Chris this week, so he will have a couple extra bucks.

I just can't wait until he really gets going in the insurance industry. I really feel he has the potential, he just doesn't recognize it. Also, and he has said it himself, when he drinks he can feel his confidence slipping away. I am just glad he is taking strides to change his lifestyle to better prepare for our impending arrival. Oh, and he is going to be quitting smoking too!!!

I really do love him though. He may be a pain in the ass, but I do love him and am excited that we are having a baby again. I really think he will be a great dad, I just think he needs to work on himself in the meantime. I also think that it is awesome that there are a few guys on the team that are going to be dad's soon too. Two other guys on the team have women that are pregnant, and the cool part, we are all due within 6 weeks of each other. I really think there is something in the softball cooler and the other guys might want to bring their own water bottles ; )

I am just getting so excited. It is becoming real now and I love it (except for the minor boughts of nausea) I can't wait for my first appointment and to see that little blinky heartbeat, I know I will melt.

He's Tainted!

I am very preturbed today! (Hopefully I used that word properly) Anyways there is this really nice guy that I work with and everyone thinks he is really cool. He is good looking, has a college degree, is a hardworker, and overall a really nice guy. So I found out the company slut (who won't be named) has sunk her teeth into him!!! I am so upset about this because a. he can do ten times better and b. she taints every guy she lays her hands on, a real man-eater if you know what I mean. She has tried to get people fired, lied to cover her ass, and basically whored around with most of the people at work. It just sucks that she is ruining all the nice people : (

I guess I just had to vent because I thought this kid was smarter than this!

Otherwise, the pregnancy is going well. I have the super smell, sore boobies, and a little queasy, but overall still feeling good. I had some pancakes and bacon for dinner and it totally hit the spot! I might even make an omelet tomorrow for lunch with fresh salsa and mexican blend cheese!

My Guardian Angel

This may be a little late coming but wanted to post it anyways.

I wanted to share my guardian angel with everyone. It was a gift from my wonderful friends and the girls from my September mommies group, Jen, Julie, and Kelly. This was sent to me at the time of Amaris' birthday with a beautiful little letter as well. I would like to think that it symbolizes Amaris and the fact that she is our angel, always watching over Matt, our growing baby, and myself. I leave it hung on the lamp by my bed so that she can watch over us when we sleep.

I just wanted to thank Jen, Julie, and Kelly for their gift and the meaning behind it. It gives me great comfort when I see those wings because I know that though my baby is not here on earth, she is here in heaven and she is always watching over us, because that is what angels do. I love you three as you were my sisters or friends I have known all my life, because it feels like that is the truth. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have you guys here to talk to when I couldn't even talk to the people I had around me. Sometimes it is easiest to talk to people who know where your coming from and I knew I had that with you guys. We were all pregnant together, we went through our major milestones together, and I think we all knew that if it happened to someone else, we would all be there for each other. Thats what friends do for each other, and most importantly thats what family does for each other. I feel in you guys I have gained family members, I love you all so much and am so glad that we stumbled upon each other in the beginnings of our pregnancies.

6 WEEKS!

I am six weeks today, well it is after midnight. I am feeling good too, so far so good. I haven't had too much nausea, just a little stomach uneasiness once and while. Now with my luck I will get wretched morning sickness first thing tomorrow morning. Eh, as long as baby is healthy I will put up with it.

On another note, I am really curious if there is one baby or two. Ever since I had that multiples dream I am really wondering. I understand that with fraternal twins there tends to be correlation between fraternal twins and family history, but with identical twins everyone has the same chance of having twins. So I wonder, is there more than one in there?? It would certainly account for my growing belly and weight gain, but then that may also be attributed to my increased caloric intake and my daily craving of Reese's Peanut Butter Creme Pie...?

All in all, I feel great and am hoping the weekend comes nice and quick.

Oh, I also found a website online where you can evaluate other sites for money. So far I have 27 bucks in my balance, but if I can make an extra 200-300 a month I will be extremely happy!!

Lots and lots of rest!

This weekend was filled with lots and lots of rest! I just relaxed and watched lots of movies. Also got another belly pic!

Heres is my belly picture for the week! This is 5 weeks 4 days pregnant. I really like this one and the way Matt caught it with the sun coming in. This might be my new belly picture spot! As you can see I am already getting bigger, part bloat, part baby, but mostly bloat. It's cool though, it comes with the territory.

On another note, I need to get a doctors note stating that I can't workout pregnant so that I can cancel my gym membership. I am sure I can pull that one pretty easily, especially since I work at the hospital.

So I figured I would also post some new pics of my other baby, Riley!

4,887

That was my hcg, 4,887! That is awesome, I am so psyched. That decreased my doubling time to 45.25 hours! I thought as your numbers went up, your doubling time went up as well, but mine has dropped by 7 hours! Awesome. Maybe there is more than one...that would certainly be interesting...anyways.

I saw Dr. Carlson today. He was at Riddle, he fills in on occasion in perinatology and I caught him by chance. I told him my first two hcg's and he said they were completely normal and I told him I would be seeing him on the 15th. I really like him, he is a nice guy and really seems to care about his patients. I am excited to have him as my doctor throughout this pregnancy and hopefully he will let me have a VBAC, or at least try.

I am starting to get excited... : )

Chat with the Paralegal

I emailed with Karen today. She is the paralegal who works for our attorney Robert Sachs of Shrager, Spivey, and Sachs. (You know he is good if his name is a part of the title of the law firm ; ) ) They are sending our file to an expert in Texas that is very well educated in hydramnious and seeing as I had polyhydramnious, I am thinking it is a good idea. I guess they think we have something because why take the time and spend the money to have an "expert" review our case if they thought our suit was frivolous. Just a thought.

In reading this I guess I should give some background info on why an attorney is looking into a case. I will give the short version. Basically when I was pregnant with Amaris my doctor neglected to listen to my concerns and observe the clinical signs that were presenting that indicated a possible problem with Amaris. This lead to me being hospitalized and our daughter being delivered nine weeks early. She lived for 3 1/2 weeks and passed away on August 9 '06. I feel our situation needs to be investigated because I feel my doctor did not listen to what I had to say in terms of fears and bad feelings and if she would have acted more swiftly, it may have saved her life. I also realize it may not have saved her life, but when you have a patient presenting with sudden weight gain, measuring 4 1/2 weeks larger than I was, and then a few days later not urinating, you do something. You don't tell her "you're fine" "it is probably nothing" If she would have got me a stat ultrasound the day things were "off" it could have saved her, and the important part of that sentence is "could have" because in my books those odds were much greater than the ones she had when I was admitted four days later.

On a more upbeat note: I am feeling better today. More confident, more trusting, more faithful in knowing that I am doing all that I can to ensure a happy and healthy pregnancy and that things are in the Lord's hands. I know that whatever happens, happens for a reason and we will always have each other and that is a start.

I was hurting...

The pelvic pain returned! It isn't horrible, more annoying and worrysome. I am curious though what is causing it. After doing my online research I have come to terms with the fact that it is probably because of my scar tissue from my prior section. As my uterus is getting bigger, it is pulling on the scar tissue causing the pelvic pain. It is right below my outer incision site so it makes sense. Plus if it was ectopic, it would still be a little early to be feeling pain associated with a tubal. I guess doing research online can definitely be toxic because it puts scary thoughts in ones head. I guess that is it for now, most of my day was spent eating and sleeping.

Wretched morning sickness!

Ok, I am almost positive the morning sickness is kicking in today. My stomach has been uneasy for the most of the day. The only time I don't feel sick is when I am eating, but then I can't eat ALL day, I can eat frequently but not non-stop or I will be gaining the majority of my prenancy weight in the first few weeks.

So I think in a few weeks, probably after my first appointment and ultrasound, I will be getting a doppler to listen to the baby. Jen suggested babybeat.com and seeing as it is only 20 bucks a month, I definitely think it is my best bet! It will be awesome to be able to hear the baby whenever I feel like it! It will also be good to be able to keep an eye and ear out for any potential problems.

So I have off and I love being able to lounge around and just relax, I could definitely get used to this!

All them smokers : (

So Matt and I went to a party today and everyone was smoking. When I say everyone, I mean everyone, including the 11 week pregnant girl as well. That really pissed me off. I heard her talking with another chick about needing to get bigger clothes and when she first came in I saw her hand on her belly. So I asked her if she was pregnant and she was, but we didn't talk much, she wasn't very nice. So about 20 minutes later I see her smoking a cigarette, I was irritated but didn't say anything. Then her boyfriend was smoking and I see her waving it out of her area and I think, "you just inhaled that shit into your lungs, why does it matter if you breathe it in now. Whatever, people are going to do what they want, regardless of what others think or say.

At least some of the other guests were a little nicer and stood downwind from me so I wouldn't have to inhale it. I don't want to take ANY chances this time around. I have already experienced a devastating loss and definitely don't want to repeat that again if I can help it. I also got a new book, "I'm Pregnant: A week-by-week guide from conception to birth." I like it because of all the neat pictures of the developing baby and want not. Pretty neat!

I was good today! I had two salads, lots and lots of baby spinach. Plenty of folic acid!

I just posted but...

I just had a question. Is it bad of me to be happy about this pregnancy when it has only been a year since Amaris? I want to be happy, but I am scared that I will start to forget things about my first baby, the one with whom I first experienced the joys of pregnancy and the realities of parenthood.

I wonder, how do you find that balance between happiness for this child but remembrance for my first?

Feeling a bit better today!

Ok, so I decided to post a belly pic! Granted you can't see much of anything, but I want to document it all. Here is a picture at 3 weeks 3 days, only a week after conception. I thought I was getting Matt to take a picture of my newly forming abs, but now I guess it can double as an early pregnancy picture! Here is my four week belly picture at 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Still not much of anything but seeing as the baby is the size of a pin head, I wouldn't expect to see much. I do have a little chub coming back, but I am going to consider it due to the fact that I stopped dieting and not from a baby.

So I still can't believe I am pregnant. I read in a little pregnancy book that men have about 500 million sperm per ejaculation and only approximately 100-200 actually reach the egg. If that is the case than I guess only one sperm reached my egg because I must have gotten pregnant from either precum or he didn't pull out all the way in enough time and there was a little bit left. Either way, it is a fluke that I got pregnant, but then when I look back, it was a fluke that Amaris got sick to begin with so I am thinking someone upstairs helped me get pregnant, because any other explanation still leaves me bewildered. Okay, look at it this way, there is a 1 in 5 chance of getting pregnant each month, when someone is trying, so what are the odds of a withdrawal baby??

On another note, I saw the movie Hairspray tonite. I actually liked it!! I have always been a fan of musicals and seeing John Travolta in a dress and fat suit was just the cherry on top! I can't believe I used to like him back when I was a wee one, but I have to admit, he was a hunk back in his Grease days and the movie Phenomenon does make me cry. I guess I will always have a soft spot for the JT, even if he is a scientologist ; )

I also talked to Matt today. I think he is going to actively try to make some changes in his life. I basically told him that I was not going to raise our child in an environment in which I don't feel that he/she is safe and that if he doesn't get on the ball than I will move out and do this alone. I have already experienced the pain associated with losing a child and I will not subject myself to worrying whether or not he will be safe to have a baby around. On another note, he was invited to a party tonite and he didn't go, so that's a plus. He also has softball tomorrow so I may go and watch. I like his softball buddies, they are all from AA and sober, so they are a good influence on him and hopefully Matt will realize that alcohol does nothing positive for him and he will return to a sober lifestyle. I guess it is a wait and see.

Very, very, frustrated...

Matt was absolutely ridiculous tonite. I called him while I was at work around 10:30 and he was out but told me he wasn't going to drink. Then he calls me to pick him up around 11:45 and he is absolutely wasted. How do you get that drunk in an hour and fifteen minutes. Then I tell him to sleep upstairs and he tries to sleep down with me and starts ranting about random bullshit. Then he ripped the blanket off the bed through it, knocked over an open soda can that spilled on my school paperwork and then tried to throw a pillow at the nine hundred dollar flat screen I bought at Christmas. I now have the door barcaded to keep him from coming down here and trying to destroy our stuff. Its me and baby or his current lifestyle: if he picks himself I know I am better of doing this alone. I don't need to take care of two babies.

So basically tomorrow I am giving Matt an ultimatum. He needs to get his act together or I'm done. I cannot have a repeat of last pregnancy. He was out late all the time, always drinking, never had a steady job, and I can't deal with that. I will move in with my dad and do it alone because I will not raise this child around behavior like that.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind if he goes out with his friends or drinks on occasion, but not what he is doing now. He thinks he is in college or something, but he isn't, he is 23 years old with a baby on the way and he needs to start acting like a responsible parent, not a drunken frat boy.

I just need him to step up and take responsibility because granted I allowed him to have unprotected sex with me, but he is the one who couldn't pull out in time. He should at least take responsibility for that and starting taking his job more seriously as well as his life because frankly this is his life and parenthood is gonna kick him in the ass in 8 months and he better be a bit more prepared for it the second time around because I am not going to be supporting three people, I don't make enough money.

On a more positive note, my second beta was 340 which averaged a doubling time of 52.5 hours, which is within the normal range considering how far I am pregnant. So yay for good results and lets hope for a healthy and happy baby!

First time blogging!

So this is my first time blogging but thought it would be wonderful to have as a memento of this pregnancy. Last time around I was cheated in so many ways and this time I want to have things down on type so that I can read it and reread it as my child grows and on the inside I will be smiling as I recover those lost memories that have faded over time.

I guess I should give a quick recap of what has happened so far this week. On Monday I found out I was pregnant! BIG SURPRISE! I was having some funny pelvic pain and thought it was a cyst, but I wanted to rule out pregnancy before I called my doctor. It is obvious to state that I did not see that one coming and though I am scared and in shock, I am still excited on the inside. Not too excited, yet, but it's growing. It just doesn't feel real yet. I don't have too many symptoms yet so it is still hard to believe. I know that over time things will get better, but it is hard to ignore the fears that there may be a repeat of last year. I have decided though to leave it in God's hands. I can do all I can to ensure a healthy pregnancy but at the end of the day I know it is ultimately out of my control.

On Tuesday the pelvic pain got worst and I was also getting some yucky nausea. I was seen in the ER and though the ultrasound did not show signs of a pregnancy, my hcg was at 191 and my cervix was closed. Dr. M wanted me to get a repeat beta hcg to watch it double. He thought it was low but I think he read the chart wrong because my level is within the normal range for how far along I was (14 dpo on Tuesday) and the numbers vary so much that it isn't the numbere that is important but the amount of time it takes to double. I also called my OB and have an appointment on August 15, where I will also get an ultrasound! How exciting!

On Wednesday the fatigue started to kick in. My sense of smell is also slightly heightened as well. We went to the Giant and I could smell the bakery and cinnamon sugar before I was even through the double doors. Other than that, work was pretty uneventful.

Today, Thursday, I got my second beta hcg and I will get the results tomorrow. I was really tired today as well. I guess that is my body saying "yes this baby is growing, yes I am doing my job!"

On another note, telling our parents was certainly fun! My dad seems to be the most understanding of the three. I think that after a few weeks they will be better with it. It is just scary to think another baby is coming after all the tragic events with Amaris, but I just know she had a hand in this. I really think she did pick her little brother or sister and helped make mommy pregnant as a present from her on her birthday. My little girl is so selfless, giving gifts on her own birthday. Oh how I miss her, but I do know that I will be able to see her in this baby and know that this baby will always be a part of her and that brings me comfort. I just hope they learn to deal with it sooner than later because we were going to raise a child in the first place and the should understand that this is our family and we will handle it.

Well I guess that is all for now! Only one more day until the five day weekend. We are going to start cleaning out the basement sooner than later while I am still lean and fit enough to do so.