August 9th.

Today is a sad day. One year ago today, at 2:32 pm, my little girl Amaris Grace took her last breath. It is unimaginable to watch your child's last moments on earth and it is both overwhelming and heart-breaking. You wonder, why is it that I couldn't do anything to prevent this? In most situations the parents couldn't have done anything, it is what God wanted, but than there are other times that something may have been done.

With Amaris, I think something could have been done. I could have told my doctor F*** You, and went elsewhere. I could have told her to open her eyes, something is not right here, do something! But no, I did what most patients did, I took my doctor's words for fact.

Now what I am really getting at is this. I know in my heart that I am not the reason Amaris got sick and I also know that if they did catch it sooner, she could have still passed away, but what I don't know is what if? What if we did catch it, could she have lived with a good quality of life? What if I went to the ER, would they have rushed me to a delivery? What if, is not useful, because it fills your head with doubt and worry and most of all blame, it fills your head with thoughts that are telling you that YOU should have known and YOU should have listened to your insinct when in reality YOU were just listening to what your doctor was telling you.

What I suggest for anyone who visits a doctor for anything, whether it be for a mole removal or pregnacy, a sinus infection or chest pain. Trust your instinct. We are given an instinct for a reason, and to not use it would be an insult against our biological make-ups. If you think anything is wrong, like I did, push for an answer, push for the tests, and make your doctor listen. It is not that big of an inconvenience to them to order that extra test or see you five extra minutes, they will still be paid for it, and if they save someones life, it is a bonus. Worst case, they find something wrong, but they have more time to try and make it right. Best case, your fine, and they can talk about you to your colleagues when your not around. I know in my situation, with my daughter, I would have rather them squeeze me into ultrasound that day, and if it was nothing, they could laugh at me all they want.